Thursday, 17 May 2007

EU farming subsidies

To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP Secretary of State, DEFRA

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not reared, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Another point is that these pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I didn't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will also qualify for unemployment benefits and I'm sure you can also include housing benefit and exemption from council tax.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully
Virtual Farmer


greg the beachcomber said...

LOL! At least the US isn't alone with its silly non-farming subsidy.

I used to work with a publisher who was paid every year for not farming his land that he had never farmed, had never intended to farm, and only bought so he could work in the country and have cheap warehouse space.

Of course, just try to cut that subsidy and see how quickly you're labeled cold-hearted for throwing non-farmers out in the cold.

Mac McLernon said...

Very, very funny. I laughed like a drain...

Brad Harvey said...


I thought that nonsense only went on over here.